Introspective for a day

I'm not sure what the primary source for my feelings are today. Maybe it's because I've been sick for two weeks and I'm just feeling lousy...maybe it's the weather...I don't know. All I do know is that today, on the cusp of my 31st birthday, I'm feeling really defeated and introspective, which is not something I generally allow myself to indulge in. 

It's not that I think there's anything wrong with feeling negative sometimes--it's a legitimate feeling and people have their ups and downs. It's just that there are so many positives in my life, I feel like an ass when I'm dwelling on the negatives. Anyway--what's going on is I'm thinking about the course of my life so far. In summary, around age 7 I figured out I wanted to work in film and television and I devoted my life toward that goal. In my early-mid twenties, I reached that goal and even to this day I still work in this field--I should be happy, right? And I am. But I've gone from realizing my dreams in my early-mid twenties to losing a LOT of money trying to expand on those dreams and help other people achieve their own dreams...and now I'm about to proceed into my thirties and I'm no closer to digging myself out of that hole than I was when I first fell into it, and that just really burns me.

My financial situation isn't the greatest, to put it extremely mildly. That's no surprise, because the entire province is in the same position pretty much. The economy is fairly lousy here, and it's been that way for some time--basically everyone has the same complaint as I do. And there are a few options I have, and the one that seems to make the most sense has been the one that I'm the most resistant to...but now I'm starting to wonder if I should consider it more seriously.

Maybe it's time to leave this province. I've worked my ass off here for ages, trying to build opportunities for myself and others, with little return because the nature of this place is that there's not a whole lot of money going around--what I do here, I could be doing anywhere else and be making more money at it, but I've always decided not to leave because of my deeply rooted love for this province as well as the belief that here people know who I am and there's a reputation I've cultivated here that helps me--if I move somewhere else, somewhere bigger, that whole reputation is useless and I just fade into the masses. Ego--something that I typically don't let into my life...but in reality shapes a lot of my identity. Here, Justin Foley means something. Doesn't mean a thing anywhere else. 

Anyway, I don't have the answers yet. I just needed to purge my thoughts for a bit--and since I barely use this blog the way I should be, I figured it was the perfect place.

​Cheers.